My Favorite “What If”…
I’ve never really been a fan of Christmas. Unlike most people, I’ve always dreaded the holidays and I honestly find this season of the year quite depressing. The financial strain, the numerous obligations you wish you could get out of but mostly, for me, I’ve always disliked the holidays because I rarely got to spend it with my whole family under one roof. The holidays make me sad, plain and simple.
Two years ago, Christmas day really gave me a reason to be miserable. My husband and I had the best gift of all to give to our family and friends. We were 2 weeks away from that famous 3-month baby announcement. Except for that day never happened and now I have all the reasons in the world to hate Christmas.
The first few months of 2017 were extremely painful both physically and psychologically. Fortunately, the physical pain following a miscarriage is somewhat manageable. The psychological pain though, that is a different story. I didn’t handle it very well… I couldn’t comprehend the sadness I was experiencing over something I’ve never had, over someone I never got to hold.
But being pregnant even for only a few weeks was the most amazing feeling I’ve ever experienced. I felt so strong: a baby was growing inside of me, a new dream was in the making. My plan for the months to follow was set in stone. I would study part-time, I would prepare his or her nest. My husband and I started thinking of names. We ended up just calling our unborn baby “Peanut”. Peanut became our biggest obsession. EVERYTHING revolved around Peanut.
But Peanut ended up being just a series of symptoms, the most beautiful series of symptoms nonetheless. I didn’t get to carry him or her in my arms, but I’ll always carry my Peanut in my heart. It will forever be my favorite “what if”.
I trusted my body to care for my unborn baby, but after the miscarriage, I couldn’t trust it anymore. I felt like a failure and kept asking myself what I might have done wrong. I had so many questions but no one had answers for me. “It happens more often than you’d think. One in four women go through a miscarriage”, my doctor tells me. One in four women??? How come I’ve never met anyone who’s had a miscarriage before?
Chances are though that one of your aunts, your mom or grandma, a distant friend or a colleague…
